I don't really even know where to begin writing today. I am full of all sorts of mixed emotions. I am going to just be completely honest with you all and share exactly where my heart is at right now.
I was honestly prepared going to the ultrasound today to hear that the babies had passed away and honestly was kind of disappointed to hear that they hadn't. Most of you probably don't like hearing that but this situation only gets harder for me and alex in so many ways with time especially when each time we go to the Dr we are only hearing about more complications and not good news. I am ready for things to just be over especially if these babies aren't going to make it once they are born. It is so draining to carry on everyday and every Dr appointment wondering if it will be the time that they tell us they are no longer alive. Even though it is so hard, I am trying to find the good in this situation and the reminder that only God really knows what will happen to these babies and use those things as my fuel to carry on with a thankful heart but today that has been an extremely difficult task.
On the medical side of things today what we found out was that the large fluid filled area(over 5 cm now (which is close to the size of an entire baby on its own). Is actually the bladder of one of the babies because there is something either not properly working or something is obstructing the way for urine to be passed. If this continues it will begin to back up to the kidneys of that baby and then that will put stress on the heart and most likely cause a stroke. There is also a large fluid filled cyst at the base of each of their spines. that was not there last week. There are definitely 2 hearts although they are fused together which makes for new complications in the 3rd trimester because if they move apart from each other it can cause tearing to their hearts. We were able to find out that they are pretty sure they are boys but not completely positive yet because of that area being hard to see with the cysts.
I am at the point right now that I don't even know what to pray for myself or to ask for in prayers. I am so glad I have a God who already knows where my heart is and exactly what i need even when i dont have the words to tell Him.
I was honestly prepared going to the ultrasound today to hear that the babies had passed away and honestly was kind of disappointed to hear that they hadn't. Most of you probably don't like hearing that but this situation only gets harder for me and alex in so many ways with time especially when each time we go to the Dr we are only hearing about more complications and not good news. I am ready for things to just be over especially if these babies aren't going to make it once they are born. It is so draining to carry on everyday and every Dr appointment wondering if it will be the time that they tell us they are no longer alive. Even though it is so hard, I am trying to find the good in this situation and the reminder that only God really knows what will happen to these babies and use those things as my fuel to carry on with a thankful heart but today that has been an extremely difficult task.
On the medical side of things today what we found out was that the large fluid filled area(over 5 cm now (which is close to the size of an entire baby on its own). Is actually the bladder of one of the babies because there is something either not properly working or something is obstructing the way for urine to be passed. If this continues it will begin to back up to the kidneys of that baby and then that will put stress on the heart and most likely cause a stroke. There is also a large fluid filled cyst at the base of each of their spines. that was not there last week. There are definitely 2 hearts although they are fused together which makes for new complications in the 3rd trimester because if they move apart from each other it can cause tearing to their hearts. We were able to find out that they are pretty sure they are boys but not completely positive yet because of that area being hard to see with the cysts.
I am at the point right now that I don't even know what to pray for myself or to ask for in prayers. I am so glad I have a God who already knows where my heart is and exactly what i need even when i dont have the words to tell Him.
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