I have had many people comment on me being a very strong woman because of how I have dealt with having and losing conjoined twins, but I really am not! It is only by God's grace that I have had the strength I have and my journey with this isn't over. Recently things have become much harder for me and I feel it is only fair to share the hardest parts of my life so that you all can understand that we can't always be strong.
For months I was use to going to Dr appointments filled with news that only got progressively worse over time. Once we found out Jude and Corban had passed away we felt like things were ending, only to have lots of complications at the hospital when we were expecting a very short, simple recovery(in the physical sense at least). After that things actually seemed pretty easy, I thought our time of struggle was coming to a close, but boy was I in for a rude awakening. I don't know if for those first 2 months after the boys passed away I was in shock or denial about how everything impacted me, but about 3 weeks ago it all caught up to me and hit me like a ton of bricks.
While laying in my moms bed while visiting one morning, I just broke down. Not only has it all hit me in an emotional sense, but I have also began to experience anxiety and panic attacks. I get lightheaded, have hot flashes, feel like I'm gonna faint... the whole works! I also find myself worrying about absurd things that I have no reason to worry about. I have never been an emotional person or a worrier, so for me this has seemed so incredibly out of place. For a while I felt like If i just avoided my normal routine or kept myself busy I could avoid the anxiety, but it just doesn't work like that. When you are the type of person that likes to be in control of things, feeling like you are out of control of what happens at any time is not something you want to deal with. I have had to do a lot of things that I wouldn't normally do in order to help me deal with this, like actually admit that I actually need help and cannot do it on my own. It is definitely not easy and it is not fun!
