Not my way

    For me one of the most difficult thing about losing my babies is that I still long for a newborn baby to hold, cuddle, and care for and I just don't have that here right now. Yes, I do have a little girl who is still a "baby" at 13 months, but she is definitely not at all like a newborn baby. I'm extremely lucky if I can slow her down long enough to cuddle with me for 5 minutes but when she does you better believe I cherish that time! I know if she is anything like me it will soon be much less than even that.

      Because of my cervix being perforated, we can not attempt to have kids again for at the least 6 months. That may seem like a short period to some, but right now it seems like an eternity to me. I have always wanted a large family with all my children close in age. I am probably biased about the closeness because I came from a family where we are all close in age, me and my immediately younger sister are only 360 days apart...maybe not quite that close for my children, but not much farther than that. Honestly, when we got pregnant with Jude and Corban I had already wished things had been closer together.(They would have been 17 months younger than Adalena) I know most of you will think I'm crazy for this, but I LOVED how much me and my sisters could share growing up because we were experiencing similar things in our lives. We were/are like best friends more than sisters.

     We have been asked about how we feel about having more children and we do plan on having more children. I imagine if/when I do get pregnant again I will probably be more nervous about things at least for those first initial 8-12 weeks until we are able to have an ultrasound to check things out and probably even so after that, but we aren't just going to give up on things because everything didn't go as we had planned this time around. God has taught us to trust in Him even in times of uncertainty and He has shown us His faithfulness. For now we will learn how to be patient and will trust that His plan for our life is perfect even when it is not what we ourselves had planned.
 
^{Isaiah 55:8-9}
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
   neither are your ways my ways,”
            declares the LORD.
“As the heavens are higher than the earth,
   so are my ways higher than your ways
   and my thoughts than your thoughts.