I have had many people comment on me being a very strong woman because of how I have dealt with having and losing conjoined twins, but I really am not! It is only by God's grace that I have had the strength I have and my journey with this isn't over. Recently things have become much harder for me and I feel it is only fair to share the hardest parts of my life so that you all can understand that we can't always be strong.
For months I was use to going to Dr appointments filled with news that only got progressively worse over time. Once we found out Jude and Corban had passed away we felt like things were ending, only to have lots of complications at the hospital when we were expecting a very short, simple recovery(in the physical sense at least). After that things actually seemed pretty easy, I thought our time of struggle was coming to a close, but boy was I in for a rude awakening. I don't know if for those first 2 months after the boys passed away I was in shock or denial about how everything impacted me, but about 3 weeks ago it all caught up to me and hit me like a ton of bricks.
While laying in my moms bed while visiting one morning, I just broke down. Not only has it all hit me in an emotional sense, but I have also began to experience anxiety and panic attacks. I get lightheaded, have hot flashes, feel like I'm gonna faint... the whole works! I also find myself worrying about absurd things that I have no reason to worry about. I have never been an emotional person or a worrier, so for me this has seemed so incredibly out of place. For a while I felt like If i just avoided my normal routine or kept myself busy I could avoid the anxiety, but it just doesn't work like that. When you are the type of person that likes to be in control of things, feeling like you are out of control of what happens at any time is not something you want to deal with. I have had to do a lot of things that I wouldn't normally do in order to help me deal with this, like actually admit that I actually need help and cannot do it on my own. It is definitely not easy and it is not fun!
Sam, I am on my way out the door but I just wanted to quickly write that I am praying for you. When I feel overwhelmed or that things are out of control I always tell myself, "Thank God I am not in control. If I were in control, I would surely make a huge mess of things. God is in control and his plan is perfect. He executes our lives without flaw." When things get hard and when we don't understand. We have to trust that God knows what he is doing. As Christians, we ask for God to use us for his glory. Unfortunately, nothing grabs attention as much as sorrow. You are going through a horrible time here on earth. But know HE IS USING YOU TO HIS GLORY and YOU WILL BE REWARDED and REUNITED with your boys. God is using his faithful servant. If the Bible were still being written, there would be a book of Stine, showing how to glorify God through trials. You and your family are doing a wonderful job.
ReplyDeleteSam, it's actually okay to let go, cry, grieve, forget things, feel isolated, and cry some more. You are grieving the loss of your children and God certainly has enough grace to allow you a bad day! Anyone who has lost someone they love needs to grieve. And remember, it is in your weakness that God shines the most. Continuing to keep you in my prayers. Linda
ReplyDeleteSam, It's completely normal & ok for you to still be struggling with this -- to some degree. You're not the kind of person that wallows in self-pity, so I have a feeling that what you're going thru is not unexpected, or anything to feel ashamed of. It's absolutely wonderful that you're seeking help -- God supplies us with earthly resources for these things, right?
ReplyDeleteOn August 3, 1986 (years before I had a real relationship with our Lord), I gave birth to Aubrey Lynn Roller. She was four months early & there was (at that time in medical technology) absolutely nothing that could be done to save her. Up to that day, the pregnancy had been without any complication, so her premature birth was really unexpected. And it was pretty devastating!
What surprised me was how long it took for me to be able to think about her or talk about her without my emotions taking over. It was actually years!
Sam, I'm sharing this so you can know that you're not alone, not to gleen any sympathy from anyone. I know you understand that God is in control & hasn't abandoned you at all in this time of grief! But there are those of us here on earth that share your experience on a deeper level than you may realize.
PLEASE find a support group of families who can share this with you & truly understand your experience. But, much more importantly, continue to rely on all of our prayers for you & God's unfathomable love!!!!!
I'm so very blessed to have you in my life!
Thank you!!! Janet
So I'm a slacker and am reading this about two months after you wrote it and am hoping that you have had some comfort and good friends and advice that has brought you a little more peace. :)
ReplyDeleteNevertheless, I don't know if it's the fact that I know how it feels to lose a son, us going to school together for those couple of years, or just the fact that one of our sons share a name, that make me feel very close to you. Yeah, I'll admit that I cried reading this and seeing the little footprints of your precious boys. I'm a girl...it happens. :)
I don't really have a lot of words of wisdom as the lady above my comment did and if I could make any sort of comforting comment come out of this it would probably just be "ditto to what she said"...:)....but anyway the point is that it's okay. You don't have to be strong. You don't have to feel that way all the time. You don't have to inspire others with your strength or character every day. You don't even have to be positive or like where you're at or who you are every day either. If that were true there would be no need for grace. And we both know, every one and their mother has a different opinion on God and Jesus Christ and blah blah blaah, but at the core...grace exists, and it does so for each of us for days such as the one that you wrote this. Where you believed, knew God was there but didn't know exactly how to be the person others saw you as. It's okay. You're human. You're a wife and a mother and you are offered the same grace, new grace, new mercy every single day. So be strong. Be weak. Be you, my dear, because God, and good family and friends are with you either way.